Perdão

“I read everything, okay? I can’t answer you right now because I want to reply calmly.

But that museum guy is gay, just to be clear.”

I thought you betrayed me.

Who betrayed you was me.

I betrayed myself.

I came to apologize to you. Forgiveness;

There is no justification for the one who wounds, other than ignorance.

And I was ignorant.

FIRST FIT OF JEALOUSY IN MY LIFE HAHAHAHHA.

Now I understand the pain. The imagination that feeds the pain back into itself. The focus that makes everything else go dark.

The most curious thing is that I talked about Jealousy twice recently.

At different times.

And even so, I didn’t make the connection at the time.

I will answer MYSELF point by point to make things clearer.

The Doubts Doubts ARE NOT YOU.

They are a reflection.

Of my own INSECURITIES.

The imp whispering in my ear.

The truth is that all that text, like this one here, speaks MORE ABOUT ME than about you.

The conclusions that should be drawn from the text are not about you; they are about ME. About the way I see the world.

And if anyone reading it thought it was about you, they fell for the soap opera. They were just one more deluded soul.

Every text is a conversation with the writer. From their point of view.

What exists of you in the text is a reflection, of a reflection, of a reflection, of a ref…

The Friends It’s funny to realize that my friends’ responses and phrases are directly linked to their respective perspectives.

The way THEY see a relationship.

These are people who have already been through and suffered from betrayals. So the pain echoed.

I will answer each insult:

“She doesn’t deserve your best” A: Of course she does. She deserves the best the universe can offer! Coming from me OR someone else. She IS a good person, and good people deserve the best.

“What she said was VERY offensive. There wouldn’t even be a second chance with me” A: She was sincere. She spoke the truth. True friends TELL the truth. That’s why they are called TRUE friends.

“You have no self-respect.” A: If I had no self-respect, I wouldn’t be here. 32 years alone, enduring everything. What do you think kept me standing?

“There is no way this can work out.” A: I seriously believe in the strength of our subconscious and the movement of this machine called the universe. We carry on our shoulders the cross that WE CAN bear. If this is the challenge in front of us today, then this is what we must face.

“Respect is a demonstration of love. She has no respect for you. She doesn’t respect you.” A: In the end, I was the one who didn’t respect her by writing everything I wrote. I am defined by what I give, and I should have given respect instead of expecting it.

“She’s selling cast iron at the price of gold.” A: She is being absurdly sincere with me and herself! If anyone is buying iron and thinking it’s gold, it’s ME. But it’s not even that. I came to the conclusion that she always gave me diamonds. Everything I wanted, I was receiving!

“Whenever the choice is between you and dopamine, you lose.” A: She really has choices to make. And today I don’t think it’s just about dopamine.

“When she needs help, you go. When you need it and give her the benefit of the doubt, she screws you over. That is not love.” A: It was the other way around. And even if she did, she has helped me a lot. We were in an open relationship.

“And not only did she GIVE IT TO THE GUY. She went out, went to the museum. Walked around. Showed AFFECTION.” “You have to understand that she DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Because she DOES NOT PROTECT YOU WHEN she is absent.” A: We were in an open relationship. She is also in a period of self-discovery. And if the best thing for her is another person, so be it.

“Tell her: Honestly. You need to heal. Don’t use me as an emotional painkiller.” “She doesn’t love you, she’s using you as an emotional crutch.” A: I used her as an emotional crutch too, and I am far from being a perfect person. “Incompatible. You are carrying a piece of true love. She is bringing a different piece. It doesn’t fit.” A: That is true. Only now did I realize it. And the one who was wrong was ME. I was the one who had to learn a lesson and change my piece.

“Nobody gets into this to make a mess. Everyone gets in to make it work. Why did it go wrong?” A: It’s always a lack of communication;

“She asked you for a vote of confidence. You gave it. What did she do with that vote? First opportunity? Threw it in the mud.” A: And I, without asking anything, tried to hurt her. …

And there is this message that didn’t make it to the post, because it came AFTER sending it to her.

“Dude, do you swear you sent that for her to read? 20:01

You know every single thing you wrote, right? 20:01

If you still believe in you guys, I think she’s going to get hurt in a way that won’t be reversible 20:02

I wouldn’t write what you wrote even to an enemy 20:03″

And there are also friends who pick up on something. Who think differently. They truly know that I care about you.

“I wouldn’t write what you wrote even to an enemy.”

The MOMENT I read those words, I came to my senses.

It was as if a boulder had crashed down on my head. The persona that was in control tumbled off the bench (I will describe this better).

I am grateful for having such diverse people in my social circle.

Even the people who echoed what I was feeling at the moment were sincere. They genuinely wanted to help me!

Thank you.

The Call

After snapping back to reality, I felt terrible again.

As I wrote in the last post, I don’t like hurting people. And now I’ve hurt the person I cared about most.

“I read everything, okay? I can’t answer you right now because I want to reply calmly. …

I want to apologize to you.

I was wrong and the one who betrayed you was me.”

As soon as I sent the message, she started typing.

I didn’t think twice and called.

Here are only the parts relevant to THIS post.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want a relationship right now. I haven’t closed the cycle of discovering who I am.”

Herself or ME?

This has always been a point of pain for her: losing her identity to a relationship.

What an incredible woman. Damn. (that’s what I thought when I heard it)

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” — Carl Jung, Psychiatrist and psychoanalyst.

Now she is searching for her own identity, and perhaps she doesn’t want someone getting in the way.

And it’s NOT EVEN A QUESTION OF WANTING TO.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to discover oneself without removing the noise!

It’s like trying to listen to a song on the radio and understanding its lyrics inside a soccer stadium.

And even though I want to help, maybe I just get in the way of everything!

“You misread me.”

Yes. I did. However, that IS NOT THE ONLY READING.

It is part of my “pathology” (DID – Dissociative Identity Disorder), the creation of MULTIPLE readings. With COMPLETELY, I repeat, COMPLETELY different points of view. These are the personalities I talk about so much.

They fight and have their own unique and divergent opinions.

I feed the ideas that MAKE SENSE.

What happened is that, AT THE MOMENT I saw the photo, one of those voices, which connotes my insecurities (the Doubts), instantly stood up from the chair and started shouting:

“I knew it, I KNEW IT! I WAS RIGHT THIS WHOLE TIME.”

My mistake was having fed that voice this whole time.

I should have opened up completely with you…

I know we told each other we are even.

Yet FOR ME, there was yet another lesson.

And this time not just ANOTHER one… THE LESSON.

Catharsis Not everything you told me on the call is in this post.

And I am still digesting it. I am going to write a post dedicated to the meditations and thoughts triggered by that call.

What I can say is that I am reconsidering EVERYTHING I know about love, life goals (Requests to the Universe), and HAPPINESS.

My relationship with Happiness is a pain I am deciphering.

THIS post is solely to apologize to you and try to show what I truly feel for you.

Conclusion

Regardless of the decisions she makes, I ADMIRE HER. Just the way she IS.

I insisted because I truly believed I could do you good.

Yet today I realize that only YOU can make that judgment.

She insisted and fought for us to stay together the first time. To free me from my chains.

I am merely returning the favor.

To the people and friends I asked for help, I sent the following message:

“I messed up. I acted out of a reaction to very strong pain.
Pain that in the end didn’t even exist.
And what pain actually EXISTS?
Even knowing that everything is a product of the mind, I was capable of hurting her for no reason.
I did judge before being sure.
Even if it were true, she wouldn’t have deserved that.
I thought I was helping and made everything worse.
Wrote a NEW post to try to shed a little light in my head.”

Thinking about writing this post, I came to a conclusion.

I needed to paint you as the villain.

Just like I tried to do the first time we broke up.

It is only by observing repetition that we manage to SEE our habits.

I realized that I have a pattern.

It is EASY to detach from clearly bad people.

The HARD part is distinguishing who IS OR IS NOT bad.

It is not FAIR.

You are NOT a villain.

In fact;

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And that could have happened. And that continues to happen. She changed my life. Only for the BETTER!

I love and ADMIRE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE;

I reiterate the phrase I said to my father.

“I support you in whatever you decide.”

However, without the rest.

Just that.

I no longer see that there is ANY problem.

Epilogue

We cannot force anyone to love us. It is an inexorable part of life.

Each one to their own journey.

And it may be that our journey together has come to an end.
https://www.instagram.com/reels/DKAhybuySKl/

“Once I loved a flower so much,

that instead of plucking it,

I left it in peace.”
~ TIO

To me, it is clear that at least one cycle has come to an end. I brought the bag of your mementos back inside the house. (Thanks to the voice that kept me from throwing it away)

I will always keep the good memories;

Regardless of whether we get back together, remain just friends, friends with benefits, planted beets, or complete strangers.

As for our future?

“HER: Take care! And trust in the future

❤️

ME: I trust it more than anything 21:11″